Friday, March 30, 2012

rubber band blender music v

what it is: rubber band blender music v
where i found it: my stereo

Named after a son of Poseidon who liked to wrestle passers by, kill them and collect their skulls to eventually build a temple for his daddy, Anteus are a little more blender than rubber band, but are plenty oppressive. After I listen to this I need to come up for air and listen to some Cindy Lauper or something*. Below is a creepy track from their Blood Libels album, a somewhat less inspiring name than their earlier LP Cut Your Flesh and Worship Satan. They also have a great band motto: "anti-god, anti-music, anti-you".


*original quote attributed to a high school friend after a drug saturated hi volume spin through Ummagumma

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

rubber band blender music iv

what it is: rubber band blender music iv
where i found it: my stereo

I promise that tomorrow will be the last of this series.
Today we have Portal from Australia. A nice Belgian turned me on to these guys and their ultra stetchy and blended Swarth LP. Live they seem to sound more like technical death metal, which is not all bad either, but I prefer the murky elasticity of their recordings. Also, with band members named The Curator, Horror Illogium, Aphotic Mote, Ignis Fatuus and Omenous Fugue, all claiming Lon Chaney Sr. as their biggest influence, how could you not love them?

chaney as quasimodo

Portal studio

Portal live

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

rubber band blender music iii

what it is: rubber band blender music iii
where i found it: my stereo

Today we present a band that may very well be the kings of channeling rubber band guitar sounds and blender-like drums to evil destructive ends: Deathspell Omega. Though they started off in more straight forward black territory with albums called things like Inquisitors of Satan they soon became more interested in chaining Katechons and Paracletuses (whatever that means). The aforementioned Katechon is a 22 minute unrelenting pummel and I have no fucking idea how they write this music or stay at all coordinated while playing it. The being named Paracletus is more epic and sweeping in its scope, but there is no shortage of rubber bands or blenders, which is how it ended up here. 

Some of each:

Chain Yourself a Katechon

Para Yourself a Cletus

Monday, March 26, 2012

Sunday, March 25, 2012

rubber band blender music ii

what it is: rubber band blender music ii
where i found it: on my stereo

In continuing our exploration of oppressive music that sounds like a blender and a stretchy rubber band at the same time, we find Blut Aus Nord. I don't know much about this band other than they're are from from France, seem like they're into ritual magic of some kind and their Work That Transforms God LP is classic elastic. Check this out:

Blood of the North

Saturday, March 24, 2012

eyeball on tractor

what it is: more kid stuff
where i found it: my home

The other day when my kid woke up the first thing he uttered was "there is an eyeball climbing onto a tractor and he's about to eat a cookie". Enough said.

Friday, March 23, 2012

rubber band blender music i

what it is: rubber band blender music i
where i found it: my stereo

As Bruce Springsteen's recent SXSW speech attested ("Will someone please tell me what the hell Nintendo Core is?"), there are more sub sub sub genres of music than anyone can keep track of. I want to add a new one. I've recently noticed that a few of my favorite old black metal records seem to sound like an overwhleming mixture of a blender and someone playing a distorted rubber band. Rubber Band Blender Music. Why do I like this stuff?

First off, we ought to start with Xasthur, the stretchiest of the stretchy. He also gets the award for best album titles: Nocturnal Poisoning, The Funeral of Being, Telepathic with the Deceased, Subliminal Genocide, etc. Despite making a lot of albums that sound the same and pulling some stunts like recording his vocals from the inside of a coffin, his music keeps on keepin' on as disturbed, disorienting, overwhelming and, yes, rubber band/blender like.

Check back tomorrow for rbbm ii.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

she's like this short - revised

what it is: a miniature female arsonist
where i found it: yesterday's new york times

I tried to cut and paste this wonderful little article here yesterday, but the NY Times seems to be embedded with some kind of anti cut and paste garbage that turned the whole thing black. Either that or I'm too dumb to figure out how to do it right.
Addendum: I apologize to the always-not-sinister NY Times. Apparently there's a problem with Blogger and it keeps turning text black, even on a black background. Hence the ugly new white background color scheme seen here.

the world's most dangerous group

what it is: present day n.w.a.
where i found it: a cardboard box

I was digging through a box of old cassettes the other day and I came across this preposterously titled post-N.W.A. solo release:

This made me contemplate what's happened with the rest of the "worlds most dangerous group" over the last twenty years. While MC Ren was releasing this,
  • Eazy E was dying of AIDS (I still remember the obituary saying he had "sired" over twenty children, as if he were a horse). 
  • Dr. Dre was designing headphones that cost $250 and sound like total shit.

  • DJ Yella became a pornographer (according to his own account he has made over 150 adult films)
  • Ice Cube got interested in Eames chairs: 

  • Bob Dylan became a fan (that he listens to N.W.A. was the most startling revelation in his autobiography). 
Thinking on this also made me remember that a friend of mine got in a cab recently and an ex-member of the Wu Tang Clan was driving. When outed he replied "gotta pay the bills". 

Monday, March 19, 2012

watch out, this is a deep hole

what it is: the deep hole of bucky fuller
where i found it: the recommendation of robert anton wilson

Buckminster Fuller was one of the most expansive thinkers of the 20th century. I can't begin to sum up or even understand a fraction of his research and philosophy, but someone has been nice enough to edit together this 2.5 hour digest video of some of his talks. If you get sucked in, there is tons of this stuff, much of which is part of a (42 hour!) series called Everything I Know. It make take a little patience, but you just might get stucky in Bucky and end up living in a geodesic dome or something. 

Here's the video

Saturday, March 17, 2012

black giraffe

My kid said this to me yesterday:
"Once upon a time there was a black giraffe."
That's the whole story, but for me it's enough.

Friday, March 16, 2012

yngwie strikes back

what it is: yngwie's reaction to his peers
where i found it: mr. b beatrice of new jersey

Here is some critical commentary from Yngwie Malmsteen from an early 90s issue of Guitar World. Granted this is long (and this is only an excerpt), but well worth your time. I'm amazed that he's so inventive in finding so many ways to say something is bullshit in his second language.


We asked Yngwie Malmsteen if he would participate in the Guitar World blindfold test -- to listen to a selection of unidentified tracks by unnamed guitarists, and to comment on the playing.
Yngwie agreed, and Joe Lalaina administered the test.
Below are Yngwie's responses.

Time Machine, Relativity (1993)
I like the groovy, Hendrix-style intro. Sounds like a Strat. But the soloing going over the song is very bad. It's bent out of shape and out of tune. It's very basic bullshit pentatonic runs. The choice of notes in the solo is completely overdone. That stuff has been done for 30 years! I'm sick and tired of that bending bullshit. This is the most run-of-the-mill pentatonic playing I ever heard.
GW: That was Joe Satriani.
MALMSTEEN: You're kidding! Was he high? He's playing out of tune, and the most boring runs! What I've heard from Satriani before was really good, but not this -- this sounds like something someone would play in their garage. After the backwards solo, Joe does some nice stuff with out-of-phase pickups, which I liked. But the actual solo ... I could never dream it was Joe. Out of tune, and terrible.

Live Shit: Binge & Purge, Elektra (1993)
That's Metallica -- I love it! This is maybe the second time I've heard this song, and the first time I've heard the live version. My old drummer and keyboardist liked Metallica a lot, and they played me this song around the time I was recording Odyssey [1988]. I liked it then and like it now.
Of all the bands that play this type of music, Metallica's the best. James [Hetfieldj sings better than all the other vocalists and Lars [Ulrich] is a great drummer. I feel some sort of connection with them. I think the band heard some of my early demos, which sounded something like this. [Malmsteen's demos first surfaced on college radio stations in Northern California, where Metallica is based.-GW Ed.] I'm not saying I influenced them, but maybe I did.
Overall, the band has a great sound. But I think the lead guitar player [Kirk Hammett] is not very good. He can play fast, and is pretty good at it. But his choice of notes and sense of pitch are very bad. I don't think that he plays with musicality, or plays in tune. Rather than lifting the song, his solo seems to be an anticlimax.

Pork Soda, Interscope (1993)
I know this band -- it's Primus. The intro is cool. However, when I listen closely, I hear one thing I totally detest: I hate slap bass playing. It's the worst technique ever. But I think Primus is very funny. I get a bit of a Frank Zappa vibe from them. But although I find them very funny, and they do intrigue me, they don't give me a hard-on, in that the band doesn't inspire me to do a similar thing.
On this song, the guitarist plays the weirdest combination of notes; it sounds insane! But it's like he's playing that way just for the sake of doing it differently. I think that Zappa intentionally made his music weird, but did it with intelligence. Primus is not unintelligent, but I think their music is done, not to piss people off, but to make the listener react, "What the fuck is this?"
Someone like Allan Holdsworth sometimes plays the wackiest things, but does it with panache, such taste. This is done just to do it.

Far Beyond Driven, EastWest (1994)
I don't know who this is, but I like the cool guitar riff. I also like the groove over the second chorus but don't like the buzz-saw guitars. I'd much prefer a distorted guitar that doesn't really sound distorted if you don't play more than two notes.
As far as the singing goes, I couldn't find enough words to describe my disgust. Because it's really not singing. It sounds like somebody is either shoving something up the vocalist's ass, or something is coming out of his ass and mouth at the same time. It's a stupid excuse for being someone who stands in front of a mic stand.
GW: What did you think of the guitar solo?
MALMSTEEN: A sad reason for being a guitarist in the Nineties. It started off sounding like Chuck Berry. Then there was some terrible, terrible bending going on. Very untasteful. That was one of the worst solos I've heard. But the riffing at the beginning and end of the song is very good.

Images And Words, Atco (1992)
I have this on CD -- it's brilliant. Dream Theater is, by far, one of the best bands to come out recently. Musically, I think they're really clever, and the guitarist and keyboardist are very good. A great band with the right attitude. They're musical, technical, interesting -- and tasteful.
One of my absolute favorite bands at the moment. I have just one reservation about them: their drummer. His choice of beats is terrible! He's obviously listened to too much Neal Peart [Rush] over the years and needs to take a Valium.
As for this song, a great intro. I actually like even the drumming there. Another thing I like about this band, and this song, is that the group likes to use a lot of keyboards -- everything from synthesizers to Hammond organs. Almost like Jan Hammer, which I think is great. The guitar solo is very interesting; it's
like a "Who's Who" of guitar playing. It starts off reminiscent of Steve Vai's humbucky, distorted tone.
Then the guitarist plays something similar to an harmonic minor run that I would do. Then he goes into a Stevie Ray Vaughan/Hendrix thing, which is splendid. I also hear some Brad Gillis and Michael Schenker. I'm not too crazy about his tone, however. Sounds like he's using a Floyd Rose tremolo, humbucking pickups, and the string action is below the frets. I prefer lower-output pickups, no Floyd Rose, and very high strings. Therefore, I get a more acoustic-type sound.
But I really can't say anything bad about the guitarist in Dream Theater, because he's good and very ambitious. I think in a couple more years he'll have his own identity.

Vs., Atlantic (1993)
I'm going to dig my own grave right now. I think the singer in Pearl Jam should eat some Pearl Jam! He cannot sing to save his life! And the guitar player needs to seek help. The guitar solo is terrible -- it's just wank-off, wah-wah pedal bullshit!
That's the most disgusting thing, so tasteless, so common, so blatant -- the worst! There are people like Clapton, Hendrix, Angus Young, Ritchie Blackmore, even Jimmy Page, they played pentatonic -- the regular stuff -- but they did it with taste. But the guitarist in Pearl Jam, and the lead player in Metallica, they've got no taste whatsoever.
I don't want to comment on that song anymore.

Greatest Hits, MCA (1993)
That's Tom Petty. Great songwriter. Not a technical singer, but good at what he does. Obviously, it's something that's not up my alley, but I do like it. I also like Dire Straits -- opposites attract.
The lead guitar playing on this song is nonexistent. I think the guitarist bought a Chuck Berry record that had a scratch on it. He repeats the same thing, even though he changes the key.
Had I played on this type of song, I would have played more melodically and chosen different notes, instead of that overdone "Johnny B. Goode" lick.

Individual Thought Patterns, Relativity (1993)
The singer sounds like he's sitting on a toilet seat, pushing a big one. I can't stand it! It sounds like the band can't decide which song to play. This beat-change bullshit -- I don't like it. The guitarist isn't awful; he actually has a decent vibrato. But I can't get off on it.
GW: But isn't this a bit similar to what Metallica plays, which you do like?
MALMSTEEN: It is, but it isn't as good. But I like that the bassist is playing fretless. However, the fact that he's playing out of tune isn't so tasty. Also, the production is awful; it sounds like the song was recorded on a Fostex 4-track.

Blow By Blow, Epic (1975)
Great intro and arrangement. Great choice of notes, and the intention is good. However, the performance and accuracy of the guitar player, whoever it is, is not on pitch and is very much below standard.
GW: That was Jeff Beck.
MALMSTEEN: Oh my God! That's unfuckin' believable! I've never heard this before -- that's Jeff Beck? He's playing out of tune. He's bending the strings out of pitch. It's not the correct pitch! Every time he bends a string, he bends it sharp or flat. I can't believe that the people ... whoever produced and engineered this, or Beck himself, or the listeners, are tonedeaf. I can't believe it!

Stone Free: A Tribute To Jimi Hendrix, Reprise (1993)
Total blasphemy! You don't make "Purple Haze" into a fuckin' rap song! You just don't! The mere thought makes me want to puke! It's like converting a Rolls Royce into a Volkswagen.
Whoever these guys are, they should be shot! And the fact that [producer] Eddie Kramer, who I've known for years, didn't ask me to do something on this Hendrix tribute is also blasphemy! I would've loved to play on it.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

intense bowling

what it is: intense bowling
where i found it: jpw, again

Reader JPW delivers the goods again with footage of very intense bowling professional Pete Weber. The backing track music is horrible in the last video, so turn the volume down and put on some really high octane tunes.

 Here's JPW's original dispatch:

Today I saw one of my favorite videos of all time:

After I watched that I started watching more and discovered that Pete is known for his crotch chop celebration.  He explains it below:

Pete has been a champion since the early 80s and there are hours of videos of him in various states of victory.

I hope you enjoy him


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

more about strangers

what it is: more about strangers
where i found it: from the mouth of babes

I recently posted about a lawn umbrella that my kid mistook for a stranger. As we continue to make sense of what a stranger is, I was asked the following questions yesterday:
1) Do strangers not have heads?
When I explained that most strangers have heads I was asked:
2) Do strangers have heads but not faces?
Clearly strangers are inherently horrifying beings.

The first thing my kid said yesterday when he woke up (before the sun rose), pointing to the ceiling, was "there is an alien right there taking a trip into the darkness".

I guess I shouldn't have taken so much acid as a teenager after all.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

nazi guidelines for jazz

what it is: nazi guidelines for jazz
where i found it: josef skvorecky via the atlantic via some blog

Apparently Josef Skvorecky was a Czech dissident who fled for Canada and brought with him these guidelines the NAZIs had issued for the playing of jazz music. In some ways these rules are not that different than what's taught in some college music departments here in the USA these days. Maybe the NAZIs won after all. Next time you're next to some tight ass at a jazz show who tries to shush your hooping and hollering, remind them that jazz was born in brothels and the word "jass" itself refers to fucking.
1) Pieces in foxtrot rhythm (so-called swing) are not to exceed 20% of the repertoires of light orchestras and dance bands; 
2) In this so-called jazz type repertoire, preference is to be given to compositions in a major key and to lyrics expressing joy in life rather than Jewishly gloomy lyrics; 
3) As to tempo, preference is also to be given to brisk compositions over slow ones so-called blues); however, the pace must not exceed a certain degree of allegro, commensurate with the Aryan sense of discipline and moderation. On no account will Negroid excesses in tempo (so-called hot jazz) or in solo performances (so-called breaks) be tolerated; 
4) So-called jazz compositions may contain at most 10% syncopation; the remainder must consist of a natural legato movement devoid of the hysterical rhythmic reverses characteristic of the barbarian races and conductive to dark instincts alien to the German people (so-called riffs); 
5) Strictly prohibited is the use of instruments alien to the German spirit (so-called cowbells, flexatone, brushes, etc.) as well as all mutes which turn the noble sound of wind and brass instruments into a Jewish-Freemasonic yowl (so-called wa-wa, hat, etc.);
6) Also prohibited are so-called drum breaks longer than half a bar in four-quarter beat (except in stylized military marches); 
7) The double bass must be played solely with the bow in so-called jazz compositions; 
8) Plucking of the strings is prohibited, since it is damaging to the instrument and detrimental to Aryan musicality; if a so-called pizzicato effect is absolutely desirable for the character of the composition, strict care must be taken lest the string be allowed to patter on the sordine, which is henceforth forbidden; 
9) Musicians are likewise forbidden to make vocal improvisations (so-called scat); 
10) All light orchestras and dance bands are advised to restrict the use of saxophones of all keys and to substitute for them the violin-cello, the viola or possibly a suitable folk instrument.

Monday, March 12, 2012

metal history

what it is: metal history
where i found it: i have mr. a dubin of new jersey to thank for this

Sent to me from New Jersey with the simple accompanying message "yep, it's real":

Saturday, March 10, 2012

forced human fly

what it is: the cramps assert themselves
where i found it: my 15th year

I woke up this morning with the Cramps' incredibly stupid song Human Fly in my head. When I was 15 my friend had a Human Fly cassingle, which got stuck in the tape player of his dad's van. From that day forward until he sold the van, his dad couldn't turn on the radio without hearing Human Fly. It may still be stuck there for all I know.

In case you're not familiar with the Human Fly, you can go here to get it stuck in your mental tape deck.

Also, here's some footage of the Cramps playing in a mental hospital.

Here's some more footage of the Cramps turning a more traditional concert setting into something kind of like a mental hospital. 

Friday, March 9, 2012



By the way, if you are attentive and if you care, a young Dead from Mayhem seems to be one of the shuffling entranced minions.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

impaled northern moonforest

what it is: impaled northern moonforest
where i found it: the same questionable heroes who brought you AxCx.

Apparently this band was born in the middle of the night when the awake members of AxCx wanted to start a black metal band but didn't want to wake up their housemate. The vocals are whispered, the guitar is not plugged in and the drums are supposedly a guy tapping his hands on the side of a mattress, but it sounds surprisingly like true, evil black metal. The name Impaled Northern Moonforest really makes me laugh. A lot.

Here's their hit Grim and Frostbitten Moongoats of the North.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

death and taxes

what it is: death and taxes
where i found it: USA

This is the first year I've decided to listen to relentless amounts of black metal and drink awful amounts of beer while doing my taxes. I see it as some kind of offering to Mammon, the ancient deity of $. Look at this dude. How could I not get more money back creating an environment of inebriation and caveman Satanism in deference to him?

Also, in reference to the above pictured guy, I came across
a) the below pretty funny (and sort of hard to read) print ad and
b) a totally incomprehensible link that seems to describe a battle of symbolic/biblical importance occurring in a hidden way in the code of the Mozilla and Netscape browsers.

Here's the ad:

Here's the incomprehensible link.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

bill and jimmy

what it is: bill and jimmy have a little talk
where i found it: arthur magazine (RIP) via wfmu tweet

Monday, March 5, 2012

countdown to ecstasy

what it is: steely dan's countdown to ecstasy LP
where i found it: a thrift store dollar bin

There a some albums that really seize your brain and heart at the same time. I tend to get obsessed when I'm lucky enough to encounter them, listening to them over and over again until they even invade my dreams. A few of these over the years have included Judas Priest's Sin After Sin, Dissection's Storm of the Light's Bane, the Melvins' Lysol, Fugazi's Repeater and Ray Price's Greatest Hits. Also in this category is Steely Dan's Countdown to Ecstasy. This one lasted longer than most and caused me to go on a subsequent rampage through the rest of their somewhat soul-less, critically acclaimed, smooth adult music, "yacht rock" catalogue. This was difficult for both me and my wife, who kept asking why I wanted to listen to music so devoid of any tension. Good question.

At any rate, here's a little free associative commentary on Side A:

We start off side A with Bodhisattva, a number that’s a little too jaunty for me, but it does include some lightning speed boogie guitar.  They also say the word “Bodhisattva” too many times.

With Razor Boy they make up for the above sins with incredibly obtuse lyrics and haunting, intricate pedal steel/marimba interplay.  I guess only women in cages can stand this kind of night”. Huh?

Next up we have the Boston Rag, the one that gets stuck in my head the most. An elusively dark groove with an unbelievable breakdown complete with spooky guitar knob volume swells.

Gold Teeth. Full of angular, devastating piano whirlwinds that somehow the guitarist is able to get on board with. Generally like lurking, sinister smooth jazz. And more cryptic lyrics:

You fasten up your beaded gown, then you try to tie me down

Tobacco they grow in Peking, in the year of the locust you’ll see a sad thing

There ain’t nothing in Chicago for a monkey woman to do

And there we have an exemplary album side.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

planet am

what it is: browsing AM radio
where i found it: it's in the air all around us

In case you may have forgotten, there's nothing like a long scan through AM radio. In this day of programming minutely targeted to your every desire, nothing hits the spot like a varied barrage of things randomly selected from the airwaves that probably don't fit your demographic in the least. There's nothing to stretch you mind like Greek, Spanish and Korean commentaries, passionate opinions about high school sports, religious fanatics, political rants you're assured not to agree with, shaky/staticy music that no one likes, tips about vegan macaroni and cheese, unbelievably obnoxious commercial voice overs and interviews with alien abductees. All right there waiting for you. For free.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

senseless drawing bot

what it is: creepy art robots
where i found it: an e-mail from an old buddy

Do you like printers that play House of the Rising Sun? What about creepy musical mini helicopters? What about a "senseless drawing bot"? If so, these videos are for you.




Friday, March 2, 2012

watch the pentagram

what it is: pentagram movie finally gets released
where i found it: i haven't yet

I've been hearing about this documentary that deals with the mighty Pentagram for a while, but today it's actually being released in theaters. It's hard to decide if I should spend $11 on that or the new Tyler Perry movie.

24 hours later update:  See this fucking movie. It made me cry. My favorite quote: "Bacon. Crack. Love. If it's bad for your heart, Bobby Liebling can't get enough of it." 

Thursday, March 1, 2012

just in case

Just in case there is one iota of doubt in your brain as to who the Godfather of Soul is, please see the below (several times). All brought to us by the late Mr. Cornelius. Also please note the use of Sunn amps to not make drone metal.