Thursday, May 29, 2014

the spy machine

what it is: the spy machine
where i found it: my pocket

As time passes, I feel dumber and dumber about my compliance with things like Facebook and Google (the nice people hosting this blog as well as terabytes of my personal data/world maps of my personal preferences and behavior). I finally decided to get that Facebook shit off of my phone this morning when I looked at the app permissions and realized I had consented for them to remotely control the camera and video recorder as well as record audio through my phone's microphone whenever they want to. Good lord. If you want to read more about the Big Brother machine I'll provide a couple of links below and you can make your own decision about whether or not to purge this horseshit from your device.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

amazing spam i recieved this morning

Federal Bureau of Investigation
Field Intelligence Unit
J. Edgar Hoover Bldg.
935 Pennsylvania Ave NW Washington, DC 20535,
Urgent Attention: Beneficiary,
I am special agent Mark A. Morgan from the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Field Intelligence Unit. We have just intercepted and confiscated two trunks at John F Kennedy International Airport in Jamaica New York, NY 11430 coming from a foreign country.
We crosschecked the content of the boxes and found it contained a total sum of $4.1 million dollars. Also with one of the trunks were documents with your name as the receiver of the money. As we progressed in our investigations of the Diplomat which accompanied the trunks into the United States we learned that he was to deliver these funds to your residence as payment of an inheritance/winning, which was due to you.
Further checks on the consignment, we found out that the consignment paperwork lacked the PROOF OF OWNERSHIP CERTIFICATE AND LEGAL DELIVERY PERMIT CLEARANCE CERTIFICATE forms. We then confiscated both trunks and released the Diplomat. The trunks According to section 229 subsection 31 of the International ,Commerce Regulators Code Enforcement Guidelines, your consignment lacks PROOF OF OWNERSHIP CERTIFICATE AND LEGAL DELIVERY PERMIT CLEARANCE CERTIFICATE from the joint team of the Federal Bureau Of Investigation and Homeland Security and therefore you must contact us for direction on how to procure the two certificates, so that you can be relieved of the charges of evading tax which is a jailable offense under section 12 subsection 441 of the  – Tax Code.  We will also be asking the IRS to launch an investigation of money laundering if you do not follow our instructions.
You are therefore required to contact me within 72 hours on this email {} at that point I will walk you through the process of clearing and claiming the money. Failure to comply may lead to your arrested, interrogation and/or you being prosecuted in the Court of Law for tax evasion and or money laundering. You are also advised not to contact any bank in Africa, Europe or banking institution.
Yours in service,
Agent Mark A. Morgan
Regional Director
Federal Bureau of Investigation

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

disorienting shrieking

what it is: disorienting shrieking
where i found it: early 80s denmark

Probably no one in metal has ever matched the heights of Mercyful Fate's pairing of incredible musicianship/odd compositional choices and blood curdling abstract disorienting shrieking. Like opera gone oh so wrong. Here's their first album, which I have not been able to stop listening to this week:


And I quote:

You've gotta say goodbye
'Cause I will eat your mind


The curse of the pharaohs can be so deadly
Or just destroying your future
Makin' it all shady


Now bats are leaving their trees

Friday, May 9, 2014

those japanese . . .

what it is: those japanese can really play some surf guitar
where i found it: via an italian in the tour van

Those Japanese can really play some surf guitar! 

Thursday, May 8, 2014

the apocalypse in a child's mind

what it is: the apocalypse in a child's mind
where i found it: my home

My kid has recently become interested in Satan. He wants to know what he looks like, where he comes from and what he's up to. I though a good place to start would be reading him the book of Revelations, in which the great horned beast with ten heads, a blasphemy written on each forehead erupts from the sea. Of course the first question was "what is a blasphemy?" When I replied that it's a "bad word" I was then asked "like shut up and stupid and butt crack?" So now I will always think of the great beast at the end of days with SHUT UP, STUPID and BUTT CRACK carved into his many foreheads as he decimates those who were not swept up in the rapture.