Saturday, April 25, 2015

sports ii

what it is: sports
where i found it: the south

As I said yesterday, I generally I don't give a shit about sports. But in combing through my old emails I found these pre-game dispatches from an old friend whose mental health suffers from an overabundance of southern college football. I don't know who any of these players are, but it really doesn't matter at all as long as I can hear things like that they "indulgeth in too much grog and speaketh abominations".

>And lo, the People of the Dawg turned their eyes to
>the western wastes, where dwell they who call
>themselves the People of the Tide, though there are no
>oceans, for they are sorely confused about their
>habitat, like unto their mortal enemies the Tiger
>Eagles of the Jungle Plain. Alabama, being a desolate
 >land, haveth many geographical illusions. And being
>thus confused, and having no prophet of their own, the
>People of the Tide sendeth forth he who is surly when
>he indulgeth in too much grog and speaketh
 >abominations, saying that lo, the People of the Dawg
 >be not manly enough. Then he belcheth forth and
>passeth into a stupor, which rendereth him more
>likeable for a few hours, though equally smelly.
 >And the People of the Dawg heareth his mocking words,
 >and giveth forth a growl, and the holy hedges
>trembleth, and sacred Sanford quaketh, and somewhere
>Erk Russell spitteth forth lightning and emitteth
>thunder from his bowels. And Ooga, he who hunkereth,
>heareth also, and cryeth out, "Behold, People of the
 >Tide, ye who were once a fearsome race, marching forth
 >as the People of the Bear, a truly reeking but
>respectable horde. The Bear liveth no longer, except
>in limited edition lithographs, and ten thousand
>trailer park urchins bearing his name. Now thou art
>merely the People of the Tide, a leading laundry
>detergent, and ye speaketh forth of the Tide Rolling,
 >though neither oceans nor washing machines roll,
>neither do elephants, which belongeth in the Jungle,
 >which is where the Tiger Eagles dwell, for thou art a
>confused and vexing people, though Ooga liketh two or
>three of the comely cheerleader wenches, preferably at
 >the same time."
>Thou art not only a confused people but also a DOOMED
>one, for the People of the Dawg art a MANLY ENOUGH
 >People, and are summoned forth to prove out their
 >manliness on network television. And the People of the
 >Dawg shall bring forth their manliness upon the field
 >of battle, and your stadium shall fill with blood and
>the curdling shreiks of melon-bellied bubbas and
>big-haired trailer wenches until Ooga, the prophet,
>surfeth home on a Crimson Tide of thy seeping
>entrails. And Richt the Righteous, who is also manly
>enough, shall take a short break from being righteous
>to pulleth the heart from the chest of his vanquished
>foe, and eateth it before the television cameras, just
 >before the Dairy Queen commercial. And then the People
>of the Dawg shall proceed to the Jungle Plain, where
>dwelleth he who strappeth on no pads but talketh big
>about manliness, and the Big Dawg shall lift his leg
>and marketh him liquidly for territorial rights in
>November.
>And the Elephant People of the Crimson Ocean Detergent
 >shall return to their trailer parks, and changeth
>forth the diapers of young Bear VII and little
 >Bearina, and prayeth before their limited edition
 >lithographs that their Guardian Bear might come down
 >once more and protecteth them from the fury of a Dawg
 >who is surely MANLY ENOUGH. Amen.