Friday, April 24, 2015


what it is: sports
where i found it: the south

Generally I don't give a shit about sports. But in combing through my old emails I found these pre-game dispatches from an old friend whose mental health suffers from an overabundance of southern college football. I don't know who any of these players are, but it really doesn't matter at all as long as I can hear things like that they're "powerful enough to trade punches with a power shovel".

Bulldogs vs. Crimson Tide: Aces Wild. The crunch is finally here as
>we find out what the Dawgs are all about. Offensively-No crappin
>out when it comes to keepin the human meat blizzard they have coming
>after Greene. Line coach Calloway needs to get our meat on the
>hoof(NCAA inspected) pass blocking so we have time to set up hot
>routes through their unproven secondary. That's our matchup-we
>can't run it on them, we must hang it up deep. They have 4 highly
>respected lugs on their line, which will make for a tough block.
>Knight is a sack o flower center, so running in the middle will not
>cut it, especially since Musa has become so ordinary. D co-ordinator
> Nascarl Torbush does a lot of motion stuff, which will make the
>effectiveness of our play-fake decline. Greene looks slow setting
>up, the ball is sticking to his hand, but still coming out like a
>shot without much arc. Christ! Let's face it, he's throwing a flat
>ball. Stop the seepage, let him set and find his man. Recievers
>need to gussy up their play. If I see Reggie Brown boob one more
>catch I will shoot my cookies. Gibson's 2 catch, 2 drop, fumble
>routine will not cut it either. I think Richt is having trouble
>getting him to buy into the whole shot. Fred, shake a leg and get
>moving downfield for points, Get the Lead out, man! These bums
>can't collar you. This is a big game so screw it on and don't fan on
>it! Richt, you need to tear it down, soup it up, and strip it for
>speed, Damnit. Hey Mark, Where in the hell are the yards?
>Defensively-Stacking against the run with top eliminators Boss and
>Gibert should make it tough for them to get much of a push. SS Tommy
>Davis (#10) has developed into a excellent run stopper and is tough
>enough to swap punches with a power shovel. Wailing on their running
>game will force them into passing miscues. Get down shitty with
 >these guys first crack out of the box,silence the crowd, I can
>assure you they wwill not run wild on us. Good news is that they
>will be without their punter, so field position will be on our side
>if we force supposed punts, Which almost sux becauese we need Gary
>to wiggle his returns up an down the field all day long on these
>damn cheaters! Whale the piss out of em dawgs and let's jam one up
>on this shitheap SEC west team! Holy Fuck, would that keep me happy.